


you look like my sleep paralysis demon.

by orphan_account



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Crack, Multi, they go shopping and they’re dumbasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-30 22:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19412998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ling takes Edward and Greed shopping. He regrets it, because he forgot that they’re both fashion disasters. (And human disasters.)





	you look like my sleep paralysis demon.

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally so dumb take none of it seriously
> 
> thanks šárka, evebeg, and pall for helping me plan this sisbdidbjdbddj
> 
> there is no explanation for this fic

“No.”

“But, Ling…”

“No. Absolutely not.”

Edward sighs, staring wistfully down at the shirt in his hands. Or that’s what Ling imagines he’s doing. “You haven’t even looked at it yet!”

“Everything you have suggested today,” Ling says, appraising a red coat that fits Edward’s style without making him look like an occult member, “Is absolutely  _ awful.  _ It makes you look like some kind of… I don’t know!  _ Bad!” _

“You’re just jealous because you can’t have this,” Edward says. He very, very badly refolds the shirt and sets it back on the table. 

“Doll, you’re our husband, what do you mean  _ can’t have this?”  _ And there’s Greed, with an  _ equally terrible  _ vest in his hands. 

“Put that down,” Ling hisses through his teeth, “or so  _ help  _ me, Greed the Avaricious, you will be sleeping in the guest room for a  _ week.” _

“What’s wrong with this?” Greed asks. He slips his arms through the sleeves and Ling has to resist the urge to hide and pretend he was never married. 

“It’s,” Ling waves his hand vaguely, “It’s just as tacky as every piece of clothing you’ve ever bought.”

Greed winks conspiratorially. “Who ever said I  _ bought  _ my clothing?”

“For fuck’s sake, Greed.” Ling pulls a deep maroon button up off the rack and holds it up to Greed to estimate its fit. Seems good. He throws it over his arm with the jacket for Edward. “Honestly, shopping with you two is like shopping with children.”

“Hey, Ling, what about this?”

“ _ No!” _

“They’re just boots! Just take a look!”

Ling groans and turns on his heel, stomping over to Edward. He looks down at the boots and winces. “That’s… a lot of buckles.”

“Yeah, and?”

Ling glares at the  _ fucking boots  _ for a minute and then looks around the shelves. Finally, he finds a similar pair with considerably less buckles. He pulls them off the shelf and says, “What about these?”

Edward holds the buckle covered boots like a baby. “But, the buckles are cool…”

Where’s Greed?

“Edward, you can’t - that’s so many  _ buckles,  _ though…”

Edward looks up at him with the fucking _ eyes.  _ Ling melts and goes, “Oh, alright.”

Fuck, shit, Greed has been unsupervised for like ten minutes. This is not a drill. 

Ling drops the boots into Edward’s hands. “We need to find Greed.”

The fitting room door swings open, and out steps the man who will be sleeping in the guest room for the next week. 

“You’re going to  _ love  _ the guest room!” Ling says like a just-barely-hanging-on tour guide. 

Greed wears a skin tight crop top - that is not at all fabric and literally just his shield - with a thick fur jacket over top. His pants are skin tight and leather, and he’s got knee high boots with fur at the cuffs. 

And, the cherry on top: tiny,  _ hot pink,  _ sunglasses. 

“Okay, fuck no.”

“Babe, what?! This is awesome,” Greed gives a twirl. “Peak fashion.”

“That’s the outfit my sleep paralysis demon wears,” Ling says, “How’d you do that? You got the obnoxious hair down to the T.”

Greed sticks his tongue out. “Fine, I’ll take it off,” he says, and proceeds to start stripping.

The squawking noise that leaves Ling’s mouth is inhumane.  _ “Get in the fitting room!” _

Greed wiggles his eyebrows. “Come on, doll, who wouldn’t wanna see this?”

“Literally no one in the  _ fucking world!” _ Ling groans. He tosses his hands up and has to scramble to catch the clothes he threw.

“That’s not what you said last-”

_ “Shut your whore mouth,” _ Ling whisper yells. He pushes Greed back into the changing room. He stuffs the maroon shirt into Greed’s arms and says, “Try this on, and never wear anything you are currently wearing ever again.”

“Yes, Emperor Yao,” Greed teases. 

Ling turns back around and - Edward has disappeared again.

It’s like the concept of a  _ break  _ doesn’t exist. 

**Author's Note:**

> hm i’m am gay
> 
> join the fullmetal alchemist discord server! - https://discord.gg/9STJzm8
> 
> follow me on tumblr - @luciimarii


End file.
